Editor’s Note: Every year, AP English Language and Composition students write satirical opinion pieces in the form of articles from The Onion. As a new tradition for The Green and Gray, we have chosen to include two pieces—voted to be included by their peers—to showcase the diversity, versatility, and hilarity of our students’ writing and honor exceptional pieces that are done within a classroom setting.
Boarding schools are notorious for their impossible amounts of homework and their strict rule systems. From balancing sports, afternoon activities, and social hours, students always seem to be busy. But what does a daily routine in the life of a boarding school student actually look like, and how are they able to complete it and still be in bed by 11pm?
We tried to sit down on Wednesday to interview Tina Burnout, a junior at The Berkshire School located in Sheffield, Massachusetts. However, when we attempted to have a conversation, she immediately stood up out of her chair and screamed a jumble of words, some of which our journalists made out as “paper…test on Tuesday…math…” We decided to follow her around the school on her seemingly very busy afternoon.
“I first go straight from my last period history test to field hockey practice,” said an already tired, half-lidded Burnout. Our journalists reported having a hard time hearing exactly what the teenage girl had to say, as the only way she transitioned between events throughout most of her day was through intense sprints — all other students, however, were calmly walking to their next activity. Directly after practice, Burnout rushed to the dining hall to eat dinner. By 5:07pm, she had already scarfed down a premade sandwich and a cold glass of water. When asked by our out-of-breath reporters why she was rushing, Burnout simply replied, “Eleven!”
When she ran down the main steps of the Student Center, our journalists had barely turned the corner to catch up to her before they saw her accidentally slip and fall onto the pavement. A gash slowly began to open on her knee, and despite the blood pouring out, the 16-year-old claimed she was “all good…million things to do.”
By 8pm, our team of journalists had dwindled from four to two, as Tina Burnout sped from building to building to complete her meetings with her French teacher in Berkshire Hall, a math teacher in MBD, and a Zoom with her college counselor at her dormitory. We also noted that the two remaining reporters had been previous marathon winners, and were the only ones able to keep up with our subject.
At 10:30pm, we noticed that Burnout had been sitting in her desk chair doing homework for approximately 5 hours, only getting up once to take a 6 minute shower. When she did so, a seemingly permanent dent in the swivel chair was left behind.
Finally, at 10:59pm, she tucked herself into bed with a smile on her face and black circles under her eyes, happy she had once again made lights-out on time with all work completed. From her resting position, she noticed a night light still illuminated in the corner of her room. She leaped out to turn it off, right as the dorm parent came in at 11:01pm. Caught like a deer in the headlights, Tina immediately shut off the light — but it was too late. Tina Burnout was never seen again.
