Editor’s Note: Every year, AP English Language and Composition students write satirical opinion pieces in the form of articles from The Onion. As a new tradition for The Green and Gray, we have chosen to include two pieces—voted to be included by their peers—to showcase the diversity, versatility, and hilarity of our students’ writing and honor exceptional pieces that are done within a classroom setting.
SHEFFIELD, MA—Saturday D. Freetime ‘27, a beloved Berkshire junior, passed away on the evening of October 24th, after an extended battle with Week 1 morning classes and Week 2 compulsory programming. A proud Berkshire student since 2023, Saturday was known by her classmates as hardworking, high-achieving, and hypercaffeinated. She is survived by her parents, Hunter and Connie Freetime of Manhattan, NY, and her younger sister, Sunday Freetime ‘29.
According to witnesses, Saturday’s passing was sudden but not unexpected. She showed signs of severe fatigue soon following the implementation of Saturday obligations since the beginning of this school year, including several slight mental breakdowns.
“I saw her bawling in the Allen Theater after Saturday programming,” said Joey, “she was completely crashing out. I mean, we are all exhausted. She’s just too fragile.”
“She started ripping up all her weekend plans in the common room,” added Mira, who lived next door. “Saturday was always so cheerful, until her Saturdays disappeared. One night around 3 a.m., I heard a desperate knocking. I opened my door and Saturday was there, pale and sobbing, with calculus homework in her hands.”
By early October, Saturday’s vitality had diminished to nearly nothing.
Doctors attempted interventions, including high-dose caffeine and warnings like “You’ll get five conduct points!”, but it was too late. The autopsy suggested that Saturday’s brain had “shrunk to the size of a dehydrated grape.” Her official cause of death was listed as “Chronic Overrelaxation Syndrome (COS)” and “Insufficient Academic Stimulation (IAS).”
In response to Saturday D. Freetime’s tragic passing, Berkshire announced the “Saturday Wellness Initiatives” to prevent future casualties. The program includes mandatory 7 a.m. meditation sessions every Saturday morning, followed by yoga programming and time management workshops. Currently, Berkshire is considering expanding such programming to Sundays to support grieving students.
Saturday Freetime left behind 48,316 unread Canvas notifications, 532 pages of academic papers, 39 quizzes, 7 tests, and the shattered hopes of 400 students who believed weekends were a human right. Her friend Avelyn, while arranging Saturday’s properties, mourned how Saturday didn’t live past this Friday.
“We are about to have the first Saturday off in two months. What a pity! She died on the eve of liberation!” Avelyn wept before collapsing into an unfinished pile of lab reports and falling asleep face down on the papers.
A memorial service will be held this Saturday at 8 a.m. in Allen Theater. Attendance is required.
