Editor’s Note: Every year, Mr. Miller’s AP English Language and Composition class writes satirical opinion pieces in the form of articles from The Onion. In this edition of The Greey and Gray, we have decided to include the two pieces, as voted to be included by their peers, to showcase the diversity and versatility of our students’ writing abilities and honor exceptional pieces that are done within a classroom setting. One is below, while the other is linked here.
Berkshire School, a New England boarding school located in Sheffield, Massachusetts, has recently implemented a deadly but vital precaution to ensure the safety and well-being of Berkshire students. Berkshire School prides itself on excellence in protecting and providing students with any necessary resources. In contrast, Berkshire recognizes the importance of consequences and proper punishment for violating major school rules.
On Monday, October 14th, 2024, the head of the student life department, Patherine Bimmons, made an abnormally long and serious announcement at an all-school meeting that would astound students from the inside out. “The Student Life Office has collectively made a difficult but necessary decision regarding Reach and the SISO process. Unfortunately, we have had a record-breaking start to the year regarding late Reach forms and failures to SISO in and out of the dormitories. There was simply no other solution except for the creation and implementation of the SISO row, a fun, inclusive alternative to boring old conduct points and probation! We are so excited to implement capital punishment into our community. We truly think this is the start of a new and better Berkshire! Go Bears!”
Students, trustees, and various other faculty agreed that this process would benefit Berkshire students by motivating them to arrive on time at the correct places on campus.
Mr. Bearlin remarks, “The creation of this row of condemned violators of the Berkshire Handbook ensures only the elitist and fittest of survival may attend and continue their education here at Berkshire. Those who cannot punctually submit their Reach requests and scan into the proper spaces do not deserve their spot here at Berkshire. This judicial punishment is the only reasonable option.”
On Saturday, October 19th, 2024, the first member of the Berkshire community was sentenced to SISO row after the unfortunate failure to scan into their dorm after a local dinner at Baba Louis ran scarily late for 7:45 PM dorm check-in. Panicked about getting there on time, 16-year-old Baddison Foward mistakenly forgot to use her Reach app to scan back into her dorm. Witnesses have stated they saw Baddison enter the common space at around 7:43 PM, appearing to be in an intense round of the mobile game AMAZE!, when she looked up from her phone and said, “Can I check in, please?” This would be the last time many Buck residents would hear from Baddison. According to officials, her Reach form originally read 7:45 PM as her arrival time, meaning Baddison was just minutes away from the cruelest turn of events. At around 7:45 PM, Baddison returned from the common room to her room, where she sat at her desk chair and scrolled through her hilariously idiotic Instagram reels.
At 7:46 PM: Baddison received a Gmail originating from the Reach app.
Baddison knew what this meant. “My heart sank to my stomach. The feeling is truly indescribable. It was like, I just, like, watched my life float away from me in that moment.” This line was pulled from a recent Green & Grey interview with the inmate, just hours away from her sentencing. Baddison claims she acknowledged this life-altering Gmail, but she could only bear to read the subject: “Reach: Failure to SISO.” “I could fill in the gaps from there,” said Baddison in another recent interview with Elle Magazine. “It was literally sickening.” Witnesses say they saw Ms. Bimmons and Mr. Bearlin detain Baddison with the bookstore’s new Berkshire monogrammed handcuffs (now available in green and black!) as speedily as 7:47 PM, proving SISO row to be an incredibly successful, efficient, and accurate process.
At this time, further details on Baddison’s condition and whereabouts cannot be disclosed, and she is to remain that way for the sake of privacy for her family, friends, and the broader community. Berkshire ensures its community that implementing SISO row into Berkshire’s disciplinary branch is an indispensable act needed to preserve the highest of standards here at Berkshire. At this moment, Berkshire actively expresses how they remain very eager and excited to see how SISO row will fill, what the next step is with SISO row in their community, and discover its role in creating a school filled with only the best.
Please check our Instagram page for live updates, exclusive interviews, and footage with Baddison Howard!
