Editor’s Note: Every year, Mr. Miller’s AP English Language and Composition class writes satirical opinion pieces in the form of articles from The Onion. In this edition of The Greey and Gray, we have decided to include the two pieces, as voted to be included by their peers, to showcase the diversity and versatility of our students’ writing abilities and honor exceptional pieces that are done within a classroom setting. One is below, while the other is linked here.
At least once a week, stressed and dirty Berkshire students face the dreadful task of doing their laundry. Laundry at Berkshire requires skill, trickery, time management, and athleticism. In the most serious cases, the basic chore of washing clothes can involve violence and can even result in death due to the chaotic and competitive environment of laundry rooms. There are two basic, reasonable rules in the laundry room: 1) If a student is not present to move their clothes from the washer to the dryer 0.00001 seconds after the timer goes off, the person who is next in line has the right to throw it on the group, even if it is wet; and 2) Students are prohibited to ask someone to not touch their clothes unless they want to be punched in the nose and, depending on their tone, maybe even get a finger or two bitten off.
The plain and simple fact is that doing laundry at Berkshire is far too problematic when it should be a simple, carefree task. Students wait in line for the washing machine for a minimum of 100 hours and nearly become paralyzed during the stressful process because the person behind them in line transforms into a wild beast if they are not moving at light speed to switch their load into the dryer and to their bin.
The whole system is unbelievably impractical, which is why Berkshire’s Committee Against Laundry devised the brilliant solution of a clothing-free campus! This new policy provides an accommodating resolution that ceases the violence and fear many students experience when doing their laundry. Rather than risking their lives to simply wash their clothes, students can freely walk around campus naked. The committee even created the clever slogan, “Nudity: The Fabric of Our Community!” which they printed on flyers spread all over the campus. The entirety of the Berkshire student body, carefree and confident, can roam the halls of Berkshire Hall and Morgan Bellas Dixon wearing nothing but their backpacks. Additionally, they are strongly encouraged to arrive at their afternoon activity head-to-toe naked as the majority of students’ laundry is their sweaty sports clothes, and if that is eliminated, the fighting in the laundry rooms is also eliminated!
The enforcement of the clothing-free policy will resolve many of the flaws in the Berkshire community. First, it will greatly reduce the number of patients in the Health Center as significantly fewer people will become injured daily due to laundry dogfights. The policy will also create healthier and more positive relationships among students as they will no longer have any reason to hurt each other, physically or mentally. With no clothing to hide under, students will finally connect on a deeper level—the deepest level, precisely what the head of school, Mr. Moldy, wants for the community. If students embrace their nudity and begin to walk around campus completely naked, there is no doubt that all of Berkshire’s issues, inside and outside of the laundry rooms, will be solved, and every aspect of the community will improve to the best version it can be.
